By Heart

There are things we really wanted and asked – even  begged God for it to be given to us, and sometimes we get tired of waiting, we lose faith, we lose hope. But we should always remember that if he didn’t answer our prayers, we just have to wait and be patient  because he has better plans for us – much better plans for us…

 “I am so sorry.”

I recognized the word even before I felt myself stumble unto something – someone.

I dropped on my knees and helped pick up the fruits that is now scattered on the floor, he must have dropped it when we collided. Today was really not a good day for me and I just wanted to just turn my back and walk away but I know I’m probably the one who’s not paying attention to where I’m going which means apology is in order even if embarrassment is killing me!

 “I’m sorry-“I looked up as soon as I handed the last stray fruit and stopped midsentence. Deep set of dark eyes held my gaze, so dark I can clearly see my face mirrored in it.

I’m pretty sure he said something but – I don’t know. My mind can’t seem to process what he is saying; all I can do is stare!

 “Miss?” he waves a hand in front of my face that snap me out of my somewhat trance. All I was able to do was nod. “I said its okay” he continued “I wasn’t looking where I was going either so I guess we could both share the blame” he smiled and offered me his hand.

I just stared at his extended hand then back at his face. Other times I would love to be friends with someone but this is one time that I would rather not.

No. I’m not generally rude by nature but there’s something about him that makes me want to keep my distance, with that I hurriedly got to my feet and walk away without second glance. Funny because I felt like I had to get away from him and fast.

I sat on one of the benches on the park; it was a very nice day to be out. Usually just seeing this surrounding is enough to make me smile but today I couldn’t even appreciate the view.

Still no good news for me today – I guess there never will be…

            “Miss, are you okay?”

‘Do I look okay to you???’ was the first reply I had on my mind. Everyone within a foot can tell that I’m not and honestly, asking me that question right now is like adding salt to wounds. But then whoever is asking that question only means well so no matter how much I wanted to be all sarcastic and yell that I want to be alone. Still, I had to be at least be nice.

I looked at the person who sat beside me not bothering to hide my annoyance.

            “I’m sorry, I just thought you needed hel-“

“Im fine! Now if you could just leave me alone I would be very –“the look he was giving is very disconcerting that I had to stop.

            “It’s you.”

There was a hint of disbelief or was it excitement in his voice, that for a second I thought he had gone crazy. I looked at him again this time straight in his eyes, then something clicked – he was the same man from the hospital the one I bumped into months ago!

I got up and turn to leave, but this time he caught my arm.

“Raphael.” He said. “My name’s Raphael.” He repeats as he let go of my arm and smiled.

I wanted to just turn my back again and leave, I didn’t. Truth is I couldn’t!

“Happy.”

“Of course im happy to see you again. Much happier if you could tell me your name.”

He looked excited as well as agitated that I couldn’t suppress my smile. I extended my hand “Happy. My name’s Happy.”

From then on I know he will be a part of my life.

Love strike when you least expected it, you wouldn’t even know when it got you…

Raphael and I became good friends; he would often come into our house and would spend the whole day talking. Sometimes it surprises us both to know that we have a lot in common. It felt like we have known each other forever. I even tease him that maybe he was God sent, my angel. After all he had been named for one. But then again maybe he is – because somehow he inspires me in many ways than one.

 I have been thinking a lot lately – mostly about him. I don’t know but I’m starting to feel weird around him. I’m not as comfortable as I used to. Yes. I recognize the change in me – the signs. And yes, I’m in denial because I wanted our relationship to be purely platonic. But who am I kidding? I knew the first time we met that this would happen, the very reason why I practically ran away.

We were having our usual goodbyes, which unusually includes hugs when he said it for the first time.

“I love you.”

I stiffened. Did he really say…

“I love you.”

No! He is not supposed to feel that way for me. I couldn’t let him fall for me. I had just realized I have feeling for him and that it hurts already. I can’t. We can’t.

This had to stop!

The greatest irony of love is holding on when you need to let go and letting go when you need to hold on…

            Avoiding him was one of the toughest decisions I had made. I know I had been unfair but I’m doing this to keep us both from more pain. Because sooner or later I would have to go and it’s better to start now because I don’t think I might want to leave.

            I asked him to meet me where we first officially met. I have had enough of hiding and I wanted to at least make him understand why I did it. We sat there in silence unsure of what we would say to each other.

“I didn’t understand why you have been avoiding me, but I won’t ask why. I believe you have a very good reason for doing so.”

            I felt him look at me but I couldn’t do the same. It hurts me to hear the pain in his voice.

“But I am not giving you up. You can try your hardest to push me away but I’ll always come back. I have waited and prayed for someone like you in my life and there’s no way I'm letting you pass me by without a good fight!”

“Did any of your wishes come true? Have you ever felt completely hopeless after years of  praying for that one thing that can save you? Has anyone answered your prayers? Because he didn’t answer mine…”

            Should I tell him?

Am I really gonna tell him?

Can he take it?

Yes! He deserves to know.

“Maybe you had doubts” he said “You see, sometime no matter how impossible if we believe and trust God and stay patient that it will, then it will be given to us.”

“I can no longer wait that long.” God please help me. I finally looked at him “Im dying.”

Disbelief. Confusion and Pain is written all over his face.

“You’re kidding. Right?”

“I wish I am.” A tear fell as I looked away “I wish I am.

I was ready to go until I met him. I didn’t mean to fall in love especially now because I know sooner rather than later I would have to go. I didn’t even though for a moment that I’d see him again after that afternoon, who would want a dying girlfriend after all? I can feel my body getting weaker by the minute. I was born with a weak heart, the doctor even said I was so lucky to have lived this long.

I tried every possible way to keep him away but he always comes back. I must admit that I’m glad he didn’t give up. Selfish and all but I’ll just savor the moment when there’s still time…

“I wish I had met you earlier.” He said. I got sicker during the past months and he would often take me to the beach to cheer me up; he knows how much I love watching sunset. We would just sit on the porch and wait for the sun to set all the while with his arms around me.

            If only we could stay like this forever… if only I could stay forever.

“Im sorry I couldn’t..-“

            I felt him kiss the top of my head. “Sshhh. You are not going anywhere. We will fight this. I won’t let you. I still don’t know how but I won’t let you leave me. You leave and my heart dies, remember?”

            He said it with so much tenderness and conviction that I believe him.

            God has been good to me after all, he gave him to me. I was lucky to have experience love even with a little time. Even luckier that it was him, everything gets better with him, he always find reason for me to not give up and loose hope. Always giving me something to look forward to, he is indeed God sent – my Angel.

            It is very rare since I moved into the hospital that I didn’t saw him when I woke up, instead I receive a phone call from him.

“I wish I had you here. I’m scared.”

“Don’t. you're stronger than that. I love you my heart, so much.”

            I don’t know but today just feels different I have long ago prepared myself for what ever will happen both good and bad, there's just this inner feelings inside that makes me feel unsure and extra scared.

            The next thing I know was that the doctor telling me to be brave and to pray. Before I knew it I was already being hurled in the operating room. I can hear Raphael telling me to be brave and everything will be better before I finally succumb to darkness…

            The operation was a success! I now have a fully recovered heart. Days. Weeks.. And still I haven’t seen Rapahael. I missed him and I can’t wait to tell him the good news. I was really disappointed that he was not there when I recover.

“Mom? Hadn’t Raphael come to visit yet? Am I always asleep when he comes?” I had to ask because it is very unusual of him to be gone this long without even a phone call “He told me he’d be here when I wake up. In the operating room, did he? Mom?”

            My mother face paled and turns to my dad who avoided my eyes. This is so not like them that it makes me suddenly nervous.

“Mom?” she suddenly burst into tears. “Dad? Is there something you’re not telling me? Why would – please you’re freaking me out!” I don’t know but tears started to come out of nowhere, I am hurting and I don’t even know why.

“Raphael had an accident.” Dad finally said.

I almost jump out of my feet. “Is he alright? Can I see him?” Suddenly my Mom was beside me holding me tight.

“Im sorry Baby.”

No! “Where is he? Pls.” I tried to get off my bed. No. please God let him be alright I prayed.

“Im sorry.” It was my Dad “He’s gone.”

            My mind suddenly went blank. I can’t seem to process what Dad had just said. Heart pounding, Body shaking. Did he really just say-.

“No! Please Dad tell me he’s alright. He’s just here recovering somewhere. Please! Tell me he’s not – I heard him, he promised he’d be here – he said he will stay!”

            I felt like dying, the pain was too much to bear.

“Please tell me you’re lying!” I wanted to scream and break something. I wished I had died with him.

            He’s gone. He broke his promise.

            For months I refuse to talk to anybody. I know both our families are hurting but I just couldn’t bring myself to show and tell them that I am okay. Well how am I supposed to be okay when I have lost the love of my life? Forever…

            Until one day while watching the sun sets, I remembered all the beautiful things we had shared, how happy he made me feel. And suddenly it is not so painful anymore. Maybe I am ready to know what really happened, that maybe it will help ease the pain some more. That maybe, just maybe I can finally understand and forgive him for leaving.

            I thought I already ran out of tears that I already have enough courage to be here. But upon seeing his tomb. I’m not sure anymore.

“I missed you-“ tears blurred my vision, I’m afraid I can’t do it.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Your mother told me you’d be here” Raphael’s mother said.

She told me what really happened to his son. Like what Dad had told me, he had an accident. Car crash. He was on his way to the hospital – to me when a trailer truck suddenly came out of nowhere, and collided with his car before he could change lane.

I felt bad that she had to relieve the story for me, I wanted to console her but I couldn’t seem to find the right words to make her feel better. We are both hurting.

“They found this” she said and handed me a velvet box. I could still see bloodstained in it. “He was holding that when they found him.”

            Hand trembling. I burst into more tears when I opened and saw the ring inside.

“I guess he wanted you to have that.”

“I wished he gave it to me personally. I’m strong now; he always thought I could make it. He loves me.”

“They also found this with the box.” She also handed me a piece of paper and left me to be alone.

“And oh, he didn’t let you go. He kept his promise. My son loves you so much.” She smiled at me and for a moment there I thought it was Rapahael who smiles.

“He gave you his heart.”

My Heart,

I have always been scared of loving. But I met you – love you and I didn’t ven know I have it in me.

All I know is that I’ll regret it my whole life if I will not have you, share it with you. Its like straying for so long and then coming home. You always tell me that I am your Angel, but for me YOU are the Angel because you made me a better person, helped me see things in a better perceptive. You are indeed my home, my heart.

                        I will forever be thankful to God for giving you to me.

                        Happy. You are indeed that because you gave me do much happiness.

                        I love you. Always.

                                                                                                                        Rapahael

Wind blowing. Birds singing. Waves dancing. I looked at the horizon and watched the sky changes its color as the sun slowly sets.

            I have read his letter as soon as I got home. And it’s been months still, I never get tired of reading it again, over and over. Until I have memorized every word. I know if he’s been given a chance he would not leave me. Besides I know and feel that he’s with me always. I only have to look inside my heart to see him; his heart beats form anyway – literally.

            I still have his ring. I wanted to have it to remind me of a lot of the beautiful things, of a wonderful memory of a great love. That someone actually loved me with his whole being. I still cried – I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t still say that I’m a hundred percent okay, but I’m better now.

            I close my eyes and utter a prayer. Life has been good to me after all, but then sometimes it plays cruel joke – because it had just let me fall. Now I know that you can’t fall in love with an Angel.

            Because Angels don’t fall they just fly…