Dear Diary...

When you realize you're different from the rest and growing up became really awkward. Then finding friends is like applying for a job - you have to pass certain requirements; the clothes, the face, the brains, the money blah blah!

When even you decided to be invisible so that you won’t have to be a part of their world (because it's obvious that they definitely don’t want you in theirs) still they find it amusing to get a raise out of you because you're that - different.

Being alone works (mostly), but then you speak your mind and you get into all sort of trouble because those "normal" people feelings got hurt, and suddenly you're the rude one. So instead of trying to explain yourself you just shut up and return to being "slightly" invisible (because you know they will come again to stir you up some more).

You of course got hurt - you wanted to at least feel better and crying gets really tiring you thought talking to someone would at least help.

But since friends is not something you have and Family, is well family - you wouldn’t really want them to know you're having problems because they will most likely solve it for you by talking to people and you end up being the "sumbungera" which will result to more bullying (it’s really complicated).

Then there’s talking to yourself which is getting really weird so you find yourself grabbing a pen and writing (ranting most likely) how crappy adolescence life is, cursing those people (though it will kill you first to admit it even to yourself) who have hurt you.

That what did it for me; when it felt like I couldn’t manage what I was feeling and I know I just had to let it out (in a non violent way) I write.

I write, and it made me feel better; it gave me time to think first before doing anything. Yes it didn’t stop me from being angry but it keeps me occupied. I must have been twelve or thirteen when I had my first “Diary” out of one of my rarely used notebook and while girls my age would write about their crushes, mine was a daily “how to get by”.

Diary became my friend. No requirement needed. By writing I get to feel normal, I can talk (write) about anything! About my crush, about how good or crappy my day was at school, how annoying being the youngest girl in the family etc. with my diary I don’t get to pretend that I’m strong, I can be as bad as crazy, as happy and as lonely as I can be without them worrying or judging me.

Fortunately I did manage to be friends as in REAL FRIEND with some girls (who admitted they hated my guts at first – read my Super FRIENDZZ and you’ll get to know them) along the way, and I have my diary to thank for that because not only did it serves as my outlet through the years but as I read my previous entries it serves as a reminder of what I have been through and I realized that if I could just learn to open up and not try so hard to be the person everybody wants me to be then maybe people would also see ME. Hell! I did open up myself to a bunch of paper so why not try to open up to a real person???

Then I grew up. Went to college, retain my friends, got myself a decent job. Still, I kept those diaries (can’t remember how may I have now). I never stop writing on my journal in between those years no matter how big or how silly, I felt like I just had to write it down for future references ^_^.

The moment I picked up the pen and started writing “Dear Diary…” little did I know that I’m not just letting out my teenage angst – I’m letting myself heal, that not only it made me write to feel better. It helped me create beautiful memories. Mine. J