curious ME...

I wrote this 6 or 7 months ago... times when I got pressured because everyones seems like they've been bitten by the Love Bug. 

Well, actually 'twas the time when I got tired of being NBSB - I decided to give it a try and regretted it afterwards because...

So after trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone yet, wanting to take it all out I sat in front of my computer and began typing. I didn't really remember what I have written that morning (very early morning) until now. 

Reading it over again... I can only smile...

Curiosity kills the cat.

I've learned my lessons... so... NEXT! :p

                                  >>>>>>><<<<<<<                                     

     “ Nakaka asar maghintay sa isang bagay na alam mong hindi mangyayari kahit kalian… mas nakaka asar kasi matagal mo nang alam na na hindi talaga mangyayari yun’ but still umasa ka p rin.”

     Bad trip kasi sa kabila ng gabundok na takot na nararamdaman mo, sa kabila ng matinding agam agam sa puso mo. Willing kang risk ang inosete mong damdamin… nakakatawa at the same time nakaka iyak kasi nga sa kabila ng pag brief mo sa sarili mo na okay lang na masaktan, na parte yon’ ng pag laki, na walang namamatay sa heartbreak, na muling iikot ang mundo sa kabila ng sakit na maari mong maramdaman pag hindi ka nag tagumpay. Still, nais mong isumpa kung sino man ang nag kalat na “its better to have love and lost than never be loved at all” dahil kahit kailan hindi masaya ang mabigo!

     Sana lang pinanindigan ko na ang press release ko na LOVE is not for me… dahil hindi naman talaga para sa lahat ang pag ibig. Ayokong i-compensate ang sarili ko by thinking na darating ang the ONE sa tamang panahon dahil talaga namang may binabagayan lang yon… sad to say mukhang hindi ako kasali sa mga iyon.

     Sana lang hindi ko na lang sinubukan… sana alng nakuntento na lang ako sa mga libro ko at sa mga kwento sa akin ng mga naging mapapalad sa gaonong larangan… sana lang hindi ko na lang sinubukang maging “normal” na babae dahil oviously kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan hindi ako normal( wala akong diperesya sa pag iisip. mahirap lang talaga ako siguro akong intindihin)… sana hindi na lang ako lumabas sa munting mundo ko, hindi sana nag ambisyon na makikita ako ng iba gaya ng pag kakakilala ko sa sarili ko… dahil kahit anong gawin ko people would never looked at me the way I wanted to seen… it as really wrong to even try to mingle, too much mistake to even hope… :(

     Madalas hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang lagi na lang ako ang kailangan mag bago para sa ibang tao… hindi ba puwedeng tanggapin na lang nila ako sa kung ano ako? Gusto kong maging parte ng mundo nila, pero hindi ko namang magawang isantabi kung sino talaga ako.

     Hindi iilang tao ang nag sabi sa akin na napapasaya ko sila… pero minsan naisip ko: Ako kaya? Kelan? May tao bang willing pasayahin ako? May tao kayang willing na alagaan ako bukod sa mga magulang ko?

     Ewan ko, at parang ayoko nang alamin pa ang sagot dahil tiyak naman ako na mas lamang ang wala sa meron.

     Ang hirap ngumiti kahit sobrang nasaktan ka. Hindi ko alam kung plastic lang ba talaga ako kasi walang nakakahalata sa lungkot na pindadaanan ko. O sadyang wala silang pakialam.

     Matagal ko nang alam kung gaano kalakas mag asar si pareng LIFE kasi pinakain nya sa akin lahat ng sinabi ko, pinakita nya kung ano ang na mimiss ko, higit sa lahat tinuruan nya ako ng isang leksyon na hindi ko kailan man malilimutan:

     “Okay lang ang mabigo at masaktan paminsan minsan. Kasi hindi mo alam kung kaya mo ang sakit kung hindi mo susubukan. Na hindi ka pwedeng magtago sa sarili mong mundo habang buhay sa dahilang takot ka. Ang importante ay sinubukan mo kahit paano. E ano kung bigo ka? At least alam mong capble kang mag mahal” :)

BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS…

         

        Between the monster and the deep blue sea.

Just when I thought that I already graduated from being naïve. Surprise, surprise… I was not! It was like déjà vu this time much chaotic, by the same person with additional characters.

It’s annoyingly frustrating and yes, irritated the hell out of me because I never want to be in between. I’ve been racking my brain for reasons why did I ever get involve with it? Why they wanted me in it? I hate being in a place listening to bunch of people who thinks they have the perfect solution to everything. I hate hearing things – rumors, allegations that are irrelevant and obviously none of my business.

I detest mediocrity but this time I’d like to be just that. Not because I agree with them but because as I see it, all comes down to one thing; Personal gain. Its pretty obvious that they don’t like the person ( I do too at some point but that’s water under the bridge now, not to mention that I have learned to respect the person as it is) as much as I wanted to see all pure good intentions on their part I kept on seeing something else.

And hearing them openly talked about it in front of me as if I share the same interest makes me want to scream STOP!

Rumors has it. A person remains innocent until proven guilty. I’ve been hearing different version of the said violations. I don’t have any right to judge the person based on what I am hearing, sure there have been some violations but that doesn’t gave them any right to take drastic actions especially that they have not proven anything yet.

Power. Authority over others, Seems really enticing but to betray a friend for power? That is greed.

Loyalty vs. Secrecy. After experiencing it first hand how “scheming” it can get, I am caught between being loyal and keeping secrets. I don’t want to be the cause of their misunderstanding (not that I will destroy something because it’s already broken to begin with) I'm not even trying to bail myself. I just don’t want to hurt either one of them by being dishonest or by being big mouthed.

For the common good or for the good of few.  Hearing them talk I see in all fairness that the Cause is good. I also see their point. They only wanted the truth, maybe got tired of the existing system and wanted change. (At the same time get back a little) I admire the courage but I think the timing was a little off. Because no matter how hard I tried to look at it as innocently and as clean as possible, I kept on seeing otherwise.

Shock was an understatement to describe how I felt. I wanted to walk away but got really curious on what they are about to say. It was confusing to hear different version of the stories – I wanted to hear their version so that maybe I could find a sensible answer.

Scylla. The monster. I’ve come to get used to it and though it may seem like it will eat you alive and everyone would agree how pain in the ass it can get, the uncalled tantrums, occasional mood swings, bossy, nagger not to mention a brat of the first class. Yes a monster but with a heart.

Asking a person to change just so it would please others is unfair. I would never want it to change maybe just mellow down a little (because believe it or not my patience really snaps when it start acting like it was the center of the universe J ) but I’ve come to respect and accept the person as it is. At least I know what I'm getting Plain and simple, Black and White.

Charybdis. The deep blue sea. Just the thought of being suck up in oblivion is terrifying. I was charmed with the unity that it seems to offer. Smiles, words that assure that everything will be okay. I must admit that at some point I see the goodness of intentions – was very happy that there’s someone who actually thinks that there’s still hope.

I was torn because suddenly I see a different person so different from what I have learned to trust. It was like looking a thousand scattered puzzles with pieces almost identical to one another that make it hard to see if I got the picture right.

I really do hope that things wouldn’t be as complicated and as nasty. I may not be the nicest person in the world but I still believed that if they could – or try harder not to step on each others toes things will be a lot easier. If they could only be happy for the success of the other, stop finding shit on one another or just try to respect the others. Then maybe things wouldn’t be blown out of proportion.  Maybe they could still trust each other and continue to be friends.

Choices… decisions…